It all just keeps piling up, and I just need to let it out somehow.
Okay, here’s the problem. I wasted all of June and it’s already into the second half of July, and I have a shitload of school homework to do that involves some pretty hefty thinking. I have to start (hopefully get halfway through) a massive 3,000-4,000 word essay on something regarding the philosophy of the book Wicked and a very condensed history paper on something to do with Elizabethan England that’s probably about half the size of the other essay. Tomorrow, I plan on finishing my French homework, which involves reading Le Petit Prince and doing a pretty hefty packet to go along with it, and then write a 5 paragraph paper on it.
Honestly, I’m not worried about that, it’s easy. I’ve already finished my math homework. What I’m more worried about are those two aforementioned essays which require reading a lot of sources in-depth and a lot of just straight up effort and skill, and writing isn’t really my best asset. On top of that, I’m also worried about the outline I have to make for a 9-12 minute oral presentation on the significance of a conversation about social reformers/important society figures in the 70 page play “Master Harold…and the boys.” Out of all of those, that’s probably the least of my worries, but that has to be finished by August 1st, and it needs to be very detailed.
It doesn’t help that I have band camp for 12 hours every weekday of the first two weeks of August, and I’m also trying to get in all of my driving hours so I can get my provisional before band camp, which will only happen if I’m lucky enough. My second in car isn’t until Friday, and I have to call tomorrow to schedule my third, ASAP, so that I can schedule a provisional test at Hagerstown REALLY fast, and pray that I pass it, BEFORE band camp. Frederick’s MVA has too long a wait.
Also, my dad reminded me of the issue of paying for insurance, which is something I will probably not be able to do next year. How will I even pay for gas money though? I can’t handle a job. Not only am I a picky hesitant spoiled little bitch about even trying to consider places to apply to, but it’s hard enough to find one, and I highly doubt I’ll even have the time for one. Between my SENIOR year, which is already chock-full of IB madness, AND two promisingly busy seasons of colorguard (marching band and indoor), I don’t know where he expects me to get a job. Oh wait, yes I do; anywhere. But how can I even balance all that? I can’t do it. I can’t, but I feel like shit for not even making an effort to look. I am so tired of thinking my parents think I don’t have a conscience, because I really do, I feel guilty as fuck all the time, I just don’t know how to show it, because I’ve been conditioned to be terrified of annoying them, or anyone for that matter. I can’t do this, I just can’t. I don’t know what to do.
I also have the fucking PBB, which is the band budget for participating in band, not to mention all the other expenses I’ll have for random things throughout the year…I can’t even get birthday presents anymore. The band budget is between 500 and 600 dollars. Gas? Again? How will I even pay for that? Or insurance? 1,000 dollars a year is not going to happen! It just isn’t! I can’t do it!
I know I sound like every other ungrateful teenager out there, but I’m not complaining for the sake of complaining, I just really feel awful about it, and I don’t know how to express it, because it’s all my fault, but every time I try to catch up with everything, I feel like I need to do it my own way, alone, figure it out myself. And it doesn’t help that when it’s the first thing on my mind, any mention of something I need to do or something I need to worry about makes me go crazy, because I’m terrified!
I can’t find the upsides in these panic attack nights. I just can’t. I can barely sleep anymore. I can’t sleep when I want to. I can’t concentrate when I want to. It just sucks, and I’m fucking tired of it!
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